Holy War

OK, so it gets interesting when you give people a way to contact you. I see how this works. You get to set yourself up as the next victim of some demented Religious Serial Killer. Hmmm...there's a screenplay in here somewhere.

I mean, Jesus! You simply mention religion and people get all Irritable Bowel Syndrome on ya. Didn't even have the courage to post it as a comment, inviting open discourse. Nope. I got like maybe 2 readers at this point, and one of them turns out to be Max freekin' Cady. Am I being judgmental? Hell, being judgmental is what separates us from the animals, isn't it? Or maybe the concept is an oxymoron and a red herring and a white elephant. It's a straw man, a shell game, an artful dodge. It's an enigmatic paradoxical ambiguity. You get my drift. Hey you, get offa my cloud.

Anyway, I'm not gonna antagonize the freakazoid further by posting his words here, even anonymously -- 'cuz it makes me uncomfy that he might live across the street or something. I think it was Horace Smith who defined courage as the 'fear of being thought a coward.' I always loved the brilliance of that statement. It scares me though.

But the guy seemed to have a fixation on calling me the C-word (no, not Christian -- the OTHER C-word), which seems strange. I watch a lot of movies, and it seems to be only in the UK that guys actually call other guys "cunts" -- but this guy seemed pretty damn homegrown otherwise -- in the way only certain American Goobers can be. Maybe he's a misogynist who's run out of women to abuse, so he's trying to include me in his little fantasy browbeating. Too bad his spell-check seems to be broken; I couldn't understand half of what he was saying, but I detect a definite bias toward a certain snake-handling mentality. Ever guess how many teeth someone has simply by reading their notes?

So anyway, do you know what I told him? I deliberately avoided the topic of religion, because that would be giving him too much credit. I said:

"Well, sir, that was quite the catharsis for you, wasn't it? Allow me to pause while you look up that word. No, not in the Bible. In the dictionary, my Huckleberry friend. D-i-c-t-- oh, never mind. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for referring to me as a "cunt". Since that IS one of my many favorite parts of the female anatomy, a word which in Shakespearean times was not even profane, I will consider it a high compliment. After all, that is where life itself begins, and where I've spent some of my most memorable moments. In fact, one could call it my temple. And therefore I will consider it high praise! But get up off the floor; you're wrinkling that pretty hair shirt I bought you. I seek not another boring supplicant; I seek a pedantic equal to lord over the universe with. A pithy observation is only fun if it can be shared. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me not to be so dramatic right before I die. Unfortunately for you, that someone will be female -- I'm straight. But thanks for your offer of analingus. I'm flattered."

I haven't heard back from him. I wonder if I will?


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