Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Take out the traysh

Is it just me, or is this whole ghetto/trailertrash 'chic' thing gotten way past annoying? You know what I'm talkin' bout, right? I'm not going on some racist rant here; it's not about that. I mean, can anybody explain to me why Amy Winehouse has fans? The whole Cleopatra-as-crack-whore-who-got-gang-banged-while-passed-out-in-a-tattoo-parlor thing is, um, interesting how? Her voice reminds me of a fighter jet crashing into an animal shelter, and she looks like what would have happened if Carly Simon had been beaten up by Mike Tyson and ended up an extra on 'The Addams Family' instead of a crappy songwriter (yeah I know I'm making a lot of nonlinear assumptions about the spacetime continuum here, but work with me).

And speaking of dumpster chic, don't even get me started on the whole Britney/Lindsay/Paris thing either. Regarding the latter, I wasn't aware Gucci even made trailers. But I'm sure they're nice. To be fair, Hilton went up a (small) notch in my esteem with her unexpectedly articulate video smackdown of McCain -- but all that proves is that she can be coached and taught to read convincingly.

The point is, where are the Grace Kellys? The Lena Hornes? The Audrey Hepburns? Or even the Kate Hepburns? Am I just getting old? I mean, it's not like I'm 70 or something, ya know. I've got a good 25 years before retirement, assuming I can pull it off without having to move into a trailer myself and live on cat food (but that's a whole other discussion).

And what's with all the thugspeak? I mean, OK, let's just say for the sake of argument that the whole 'real' thug culture is a product of all the racial oppression, war on 'drugs' and institutionalized poverty that lead to gang violence, etc. Fine. Rap gives me a headache, and 'gangsta' rap pretty much ratchets it up to a brain tumor, but fine. OK, we've got angry black youth shouting about smacking up their hos and popping caps in each other's asses. Right. Except for one thing:


Yeah, we've all seen 'em. 'Wiggers' they're called, as a 'white' variation on the dreaded N-word (the word that hordes of civil rights leaders went through hell to try and eliminate, and they must really be happy that their kids and grandkids call each other that, but anyway). I just don't get it -- what is the point of all the white kids trying so hard to be black -- and not 'normal' black, but quasi-scary ghetto thug black? What's with the hideous clothes? When, for the love of Gawd, is the ridiculous GIANT PANTS pulled halfway down thing gonna go away? I mean, shouldn't it be passe by now? Please?

Let me be clear on this. I used to love black music, back in the day. Marvin Gaye; James Brown; Richie Havens; Al Green -- I loved those guys. But none of us white dudes tried to be black; we just tried to be open and multicultural and get along with and understand everybody. We tried, anyway, some of us. But how stupid would it have been if I'd attempted to dress up like Havens? A Dashiki just wouldn't work on me. Somehow it worked on him, but no way would it have looked anything but silly on me. These days the thug fashions look pretty stupid on the black rappers and wannabes that wear them, but they look even stupider on the white kids that try to emulate them.

Sorry; I just can't deal with the whole glorification of the lowest common denominator. The whole "keepin' it real" thing has just gotten way too out of hand for me. I mean, if you REALLY wanna 'keep it real', get rid of your TV and your endless 'bling' (40 pounds of gold chains and a 'grill' that makes you look like a complete retard) and your $400 sneakers, quit talking like some shuck-and-jive stereotype, read a book or two, and for Gawd's sake, turn down the bass on your piece of shit car stereo, willya? Jeebus.

I really hope Obama wins the election for a LOT of reasons. One of which is that he's not McCain. But maybe, just maybe, having a black President will give all the young black guys a reason to be a little less angry, and a little less...ghetto. And since the moronic white kids who want to be black will follow their lead, maybe they'll all be just a little less annoying.

Nah, who am I kidding? But vote Obama anyway, so I don't have to come pop a cap in your ass.

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