Nobody puts Baby in a corner
OK, so I've got a brand-new baby niece. It seems all the rage these days, this reproducing thing. Everybody's having babies. Everywhere I go, freekin' babies everywhere. This morning I went to this little French Boulangerie down the street for a quiet brunch, and it was packed full of screaming, drooling brats -- and all of them had babies with 'em. I mean, don't get me wrong -- I like kids and they like me. But when they get too noisy or too smelly or too expensive, I hand them back to whomever is responsible for their helpless little stanky asses and get on with my happily childless life.
Anyway, I may not get around to posting for a few days. Why? Because I'm heading to Florida, Our Nation's Flaccid Penis of a state, where my folks and my brother live. My folks retired there, and my brother follows them wherever they go. I, on the other hand, like to keep a respectable distance -- although I would have preferred they move to that other old-people-mecca, Arizona, which would be a hell of a lot easier to get to and wouldn't suck as much when I got there.
But anyways, my brother just had his second kid, less than two years after the first one, whom I visited last year. All I can say is, I hope he understands the mechanics of why this keeps happening. My brother tends to do things without giving much thought to them. I'm left wondering if he's gonna have a kid every year and joing the swelling ranks of the welfare rolls that suck up whatever tax base there can possibly be in a state where everyone is retired and/or lives in a trailer.
But hey; I'm not THAT much of an asshole; I'm excited to see the little tyke(s). I mean, I'm an uncle again, and if there's one thing I really like being, it's an uncle. My other niece is going down there with me -- she's fifteen, and absolutely The Bomb. We've been best pals in the first degree since she was a little tyke herself. But the new one is only a couple months old, so really she's still in that larval stage where they just sleep, cry, and make their own cheese. Who I'm REALLY excited to hang with is the nephew, who is turning two this month. Two's a great age, as long as you can get away from 'em when they stop being fun and switch into EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN mode. That's when I'll hand him back over to his dad or grandparents to deal with. But it should be fun until those moments, anyway. 'Cuz kids are like puppies -- they're the coolest thing in the world until all of a sudden you realize they ate one of your shoes and you only brought one pair.
So -- first thing, early morning (which is why I'm writing this so late -- no sense going to bed when the SuperShuttle is picking us up at four AM). Gotta get to the airport in time to stand in line for the body-cavity search, thanks to all those fucking terrorist jerkoffs out there. I mean, I wanna be safe like anybody else; I don't want somebody to pull any of that whackjob terrorist shit on a plane I'M on -- but thanks to those assholes, I gotta wait two hours in line so I can bend over and spread 'em while some incompetent Federal employee shines a flashlight up my ass looking for box-cutters and toenail clippers. Thanks, guys. You couldn't stick with blowing up schoolbuses? That wasn't fulfilling enough? Or how about THIS crazy idea: you sit down, read your Koran, and underline all the parts that talk about peace and love, okay? Yeah, I read the damn thing -- and just like all the Christian idiots who think the word "Rapture" is actually in the Bible, these jokers seem to think "Go blow people up and get yourself 70 virgins" is in the Koran. I got news for ya, kids -- it ain't in there. Read it again. Slowly.
Anyway, I'm the first one to admit that it was American foreign policy that made us targets of these deluded bastards, but that doesn't mean they don't piss me off anyway. And it's time, in my opinion, for Muslim leaders to stand up and denounce terrorism. If most Muslims are peaceful, which I believe they are, then they oughtta take a stand, and the clerics should denounce these radical fuckers as heretics to their religion, instead of encouraging them in their horrid behavior.
So? What about it, Mullahs? Huh? Do me and Salman Rushdie hafta come knock some sense into your asses? Oh shit; now I'm starting to sound like Dubya. And I really don't wanna sound like Dubya.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Babies. All I can say is, since I'm getting on a plane in the early morning hours in the middle of the week, I hope to Allah there aren't any screaming babies on the 7-hour flight (got a short layover in Chicago, 'cuz the airlines like to justify their high ticket prices by taking the LONG way). There is only one thing worse than a terrorist on your plane, and that's a screaming infant. In fact, rumor has it that on 9/11, the whole thing happened because the kid in back of Mohammad Atta wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept kicking his seat.
But anyhow I can't wait to go play with my new niece and nephew in that backwards-ass limp-dick of a Red State they live in. I'll be sure to bring you all back an alligator, or at least a pink plastic flamingo.
If I manage to get online down there (my folks' place isn't exactly wired for the 21st century; it barely makes the grade for the 20th), then perhaps I'll post again before I'm back. Otherwise, au revoir until Monday.
Kiss kiss.
* * *
Anyway, I may not get around to posting for a few days. Why? Because I'm heading to Florida, Our Nation's Flaccid Penis of a state, where my folks and my brother live. My folks retired there, and my brother follows them wherever they go. I, on the other hand, like to keep a respectable distance -- although I would have preferred they move to that other old-people-mecca, Arizona, which would be a hell of a lot easier to get to and wouldn't suck as much when I got there.
But anyways, my brother just had his second kid, less than two years after the first one, whom I visited last year. All I can say is, I hope he understands the mechanics of why this keeps happening. My brother tends to do things without giving much thought to them. I'm left wondering if he's gonna have a kid every year and joing the swelling ranks of the welfare rolls that suck up whatever tax base there can possibly be in a state where everyone is retired and/or lives in a trailer.
But hey; I'm not THAT much of an asshole; I'm excited to see the little tyke(s). I mean, I'm an uncle again, and if there's one thing I really like being, it's an uncle. My other niece is going down there with me -- she's fifteen, and absolutely The Bomb. We've been best pals in the first degree since she was a little tyke herself. But the new one is only a couple months old, so really she's still in that larval stage where they just sleep, cry, and make their own cheese. Who I'm REALLY excited to hang with is the nephew, who is turning two this month. Two's a great age, as long as you can get away from 'em when they stop being fun and switch into EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN mode. That's when I'll hand him back over to his dad or grandparents to deal with. But it should be fun until those moments, anyway. 'Cuz kids are like puppies -- they're the coolest thing in the world until all of a sudden you realize they ate one of your shoes and you only brought one pair.
So -- first thing, early morning (which is why I'm writing this so late -- no sense going to bed when the SuperShuttle is picking us up at four AM). Gotta get to the airport in time to stand in line for the body-cavity search, thanks to all those fucking terrorist jerkoffs out there. I mean, I wanna be safe like anybody else; I don't want somebody to pull any of that whackjob terrorist shit on a plane I'M on -- but thanks to those assholes, I gotta wait two hours in line so I can bend over and spread 'em while some incompetent Federal employee shines a flashlight up my ass looking for box-cutters and toenail clippers. Thanks, guys. You couldn't stick with blowing up schoolbuses? That wasn't fulfilling enough? Or how about THIS crazy idea: you sit down, read your Koran, and underline all the parts that talk about peace and love, okay? Yeah, I read the damn thing -- and just like all the Christian idiots who think the word "Rapture" is actually in the Bible, these jokers seem to think "Go blow people up and get yourself 70 virgins" is in the Koran. I got news for ya, kids -- it ain't in there. Read it again. Slowly.
Anyway, I'm the first one to admit that it was American foreign policy that made us targets of these deluded bastards, but that doesn't mean they don't piss me off anyway. And it's time, in my opinion, for Muslim leaders to stand up and denounce terrorism. If most Muslims are peaceful, which I believe they are, then they oughtta take a stand, and the clerics should denounce these radical fuckers as heretics to their religion, instead of encouraging them in their horrid behavior.
So? What about it, Mullahs? Huh? Do me and Salman Rushdie hafta come knock some sense into your asses? Oh shit; now I'm starting to sound like Dubya. And I really don't wanna sound like Dubya.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Babies. All I can say is, since I'm getting on a plane in the early morning hours in the middle of the week, I hope to Allah there aren't any screaming babies on the 7-hour flight (got a short layover in Chicago, 'cuz the airlines like to justify their high ticket prices by taking the LONG way). There is only one thing worse than a terrorist on your plane, and that's a screaming infant. In fact, rumor has it that on 9/11, the whole thing happened because the kid in back of Mohammad Atta wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept kicking his seat.
But anyhow I can't wait to go play with my new niece and nephew in that backwards-ass limp-dick of a Red State they live in. I'll be sure to bring you all back an alligator, or at least a pink plastic flamingo.
If I manage to get online down there (my folks' place isn't exactly wired for the 21st century; it barely makes the grade for the 20th), then perhaps I'll post again before I'm back. Otherwise, au revoir until Monday.
Kiss kiss.
* * *
posted by brioSphere at 2:19 AM
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