Friday, November 21, 2008

Off to the Great NorthWet

Well, folks, at the risk of sounding like a pretentious fuck, it's the end of an era. I've lived and worked in my beautiful, beloved (warts and all) San Francisco for 20+ years, and I have many old friends there that have become dear family. I will miss my city, my neighborhood, the craziness, all the cool shit to do, and the fact that I knew the town and the bus routes like the back of my hand, and knew enough locals to get a good table at the good restaurants without reservations. SF will always have a place in my heart, and so will the many people there who are now a part of me.

But I just got the fuck outta Dodge.

The economy is spiraling downward everywhere, and San Francisco is no place to be poor. The jobs are drying up again, and I've seen this shit before. Last time I opted to stay, and it nearly bankrupted me before I managed to recover, holding on by the skin of my eyelids. But I'm not getting any younger, and while nowhere is great right now from a fiscal perspective, I thought it wise this time to get while the gettin' was good.

But I DID have another reason; in fact, it was the primary one.

A zillion years ago, when I was just a pup in high school, I had the biggest crush on a shy but mesmerizingly beautiful girl who was 2 grades behind me and had strict parents that wouldn't even let her be SEEN with a boy. So all we had was lunch together, every day for my senior year.

Upon graduation, I went off to college and we lost touch, since there was no email back then and she was, as mentioned, not allowed to have contact with guys -- phone, letters, or otherwise. I knew a lot of girls in those days who had similar situations, but they were as rebellious as me and I snuck more than a few of them out their bedroom windows to do the things that teenagers do. But not her; she was one of those 'good' girls, and so we faded from each others' lives. But I never forgot about her.

I got married young, and so did she. She had a child -- an adorable, precocious little girl who might just be the coolest kid I know (my niece would have made the number one spot, but she'll be nineteen in a couple weeks so technically she's not a 'kid' anymore). But I was unaware of any of this, for I had moved on with my life, moving to California and settling into married 'bliss' for years before one day finding myself alone again.

Fast-forward to just about seven years ago, and I reconnected with a few friends from teenybopperhood on, and one of them eventually led to Her. She still lived just outside of Seattle, had gotten divorced at around the same time as me, and she still had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. We met in person and I was smitten all over again, pretty much instantly. And amazingly enough, it was mutual.

We've spent the last 2 years having a long-distance relationship, flying back and forth, getting to know each other again (beyond the initial attraction), and trying to figure out that if it came down to relocating, which one of us would be the one to take the leap.

I was hesitant to leave SF for the wet and chilly Northwest again, having been there and done that -- but she DID have a well-adjusted teenage daughter and 20 years at a steady job. So all along I was the more likely candidate, since my work came mostly from freelance sources and I could technically do it from anywhere. But I dragged my feet, because the Other Woman (San Francisco) seduced me anew every morning, even while the fog obscured my breathtaking view of Twin Peaks. That city gets ahold of your soul and doesn't let go.

At this point all I really needed was a reality check -- after all, how could I let the Love of My Life potentially slip away from me while I basked in my unsustainable and rather ridiculous Peter Pan lifestyle? I'm no spring chicken and getting gamier every day, and this girl could have her pick of the litter and yet she chose ME -- so what the hell was I dragging my feet for?

So I guess I can thank the shitty economy for slapping me upside the head and making it painfully clear that, while I barely survived the dotcom crash, THIS one was destined to kick my ass and snap off its foot in it. Thus giving me the aforementioned reality check and nullifying the strange resistance I had been feeling.

So while I gotta be honest and say that economic factors made the final decision as to WHO would do the relocating, I hope it doesn't take all the romance out of it. After all, we were destined to be together one way or another. I just had to pull my head out of my ass -- and the cold boot of recession popped it right outta there like a sommelier with a corkscrew. last couple weeks were spent packing my voluminous crap and trudging it all with my two ornery Persian cats to just outside of Seattle, where the rent is, by SF standards, cheap, and the weather is...crappy. But I'm with my girls, and that makes it alright.

I just hope they can stand living with me. Gawd only knows I can barely stand myself sometimes...

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Ode to Miss Wasilla

Oh, Sarah Palin
You trashed your party
Like Van Halen
With a case of Bacardi
In a Holiday Inn in Wasilla
Like a pitbull in a china shop
Like an African Gorilla
wearing lipstick and a thousand-dollar suit
throwing shit and thinking it's cute
With a wink and a grin
you did yourself in
and took down your running mate
to boot.

Oh Sarah
Words just can't describe
what you did
You interviewed like your
Down Syndrome kid
And the more your mouth was open,
the more you had us hopin'
you'd keep saying more;
You showed us
what satire's for
And, doggone it,
they can say that I'm mean,
label me obscene,
call me contrarian...
But if there's one thing I know,
You betcha it's so
that you've succeeded in destroying
the idea of men enjoying
the fantasy of the sexy

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008



Not only do we finally have an actual President instead of an evil babbling idiot; not only does the rest of the world now realize we aren't as completely retarded as a nation as they thought we were, but now I don't have to move to Canada or kill myself!

As everyone knows, I'm far from a religious man, but HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!

Me so very happy right now, I could French kiss a pig...

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